Ten Years of Gratitude
“Never Give Up.” “Never Give In.” “Never Lose Faith.” This has been my personal mantra for the past ten years, words which have served me well ever since being diagnosed with non-curable Invasive Metastatic Lobular Carcinoma on December 31, 2003, also my husband, Tony’s, birthday.
Ironically, while most people look forward to the New Year as a fresh start, in my case, January 1, 2004 was literally the beginning of my new life as a three-time breast cancer survivor. Who could have imagined those four little words, “You have breast cancer,” would bring my world to a screeching halt. The stage was now set for the rest of my life, and the show was about to start.
Tony and I pulled together as best we could. Our world quickly became a labyrinth of major surgeries, minor procedures, chemo cocktails, and endless doctor appointments. It was scary, exhausting, and overwhelming. And, if dealing with all that wasn’t enough, it didn’t help that our son, Dalip wanted to leave Law School so that he could be closer to home. (Thankfully, parental reasoning won over, and we put that fire out right away.)
Over the course of the next six months, my cancer journey was thrown into over-drive. My body did not tolerate the harsh chemotherapy—AC. AC is a combination of two drugs, the brand name Adriamycin and cyclophosphamide. I would often end up in the ER for dehydration, adverse reactions, and secondary infections due to low blood counts. Death would have been easier.
Tony depleted his vacation time to accompany me to my chemo infusions, but eventually had to return to a job that took him away from home for days at a time. Thankfully, through the kindness of family and friends, people made sure I was never hungry, never alone, or never without a ride. Admittedly, there were times when I was frustrated at my temporary loss of self-sufficiency, and I often found it difficult to ask others for help. (As the first-born child, my parents raised me to be helpful, independent, and resourceful…it was not in my nature to request and accept this much assistance.)
In addition to the loss of personal independence, I also developed an underlying guilt about disrupting the lives of everyone who knew and loved me, having quickly learned that “my” cancer journey was now “their” cancer journey as well. One person’s suffering is bad enough, but through association, I felt I was also dragging everyone else along for the ride.
Cancer has a way of reducing us to the most basic level, exposing a darkness unlike anything we have ever known. My spirit would have died then and there had it not been for one saving grace, namely, that no matter how difficult things would get, there was always an underlying sense of gratitude. I was walking a tightrope, knowing things could potentially become much worse, and yet, without fully comprehending it at the time, I intuitively allowed myself to feel gratitude, and that made all the difference in how I moved forward with my journey.
At first, it was difficult to find things to be grateful for. The short list included my family, friends, co-workers, and an amazing team of doctors. I struggled with my diagnosis, not just on a physical level, but on an emotional and spiritual one as well. However, over time, my gratitude list grew, and grew, and grew. Let’s face it, cancer or not, there are always plenty of reasons to complain throughout the course of a day, but learning to find moments of gratitude during tough times had a positive, long-term cumulative effect.
Day by day, the dark thoughts in my head began to lighten. I was sleeping better, walking daily, and feeling an increased sense of emotional well-being. The dramatic mood swings were lessening as my focus shifted from self-preoccupation to a more gratitude-driven existence. With less time for self-pity, there was a renewed awareness and deeper appreciation for others. I lost some of my bad habits, and started developing some good ones, like saying “Thank-you,” more often, as well as throwing up an occasional “High-Five” hand slap. And, most importantly, after a long time, I began to feel a deep sense of calm over my medical diagnosis, regardless of the outcome.
As far as I know, we only live once in these bodies that we are born with. And, knowing that death is as much a part of life as life itself, I find it amusingly ironic that the disease that nearly killed me (not once, not twice, but three times), is the same conduit that bridged the gap between my newly-found appreciation (gratitude) for what is, and a peaceful acceptance of what is inevitable.
Furthermore, without gratitude, I am convinced I would have eventually sunk into despair. Without gratitude, I would not have been open to receiving help from others when I needed it the most. And, without gratitude, I would not have been humbled to the point of realization that, “There by the Grace of God, go I.”
Fast forward to 2013
To date, I am healthy and stable against all odds. On December 31, 2013, I will joyfully celebrate my tenth “Cancerversary” of my first diagnosis, in unison with my husband’s 64thbirthday. While I did not choose this journey for myself, gratitude continues to be the driving force behind my inner happiness, and my determination to share this happiness and reach out to others.
In 2007, I authored “The Faces behind Breast Cancer,” an inspirational book featuring photo essays of hope and survivorship. And today, I am a certified volunteer for the American Cancer Society’s Reach to Recovery mentoring program. Unlike the many friends I have lost to breast cancer, I have been given a second, and third chance to rebuild what was broken, and to repay all the love, care, and support I have received along the way.
Looking back, ten years seem like a mini-lifetime, especially when one is undergoing lengthy cancer treatment. However, challenges come and go, and no matter how things play out in the future, I will forever remain grateful that within the past ten years I was blessed to witness many memorable family events, including my son’s graduation from law school.
As Alphonse Karr once said, “Some people grumble that roses have thorns; I am grateful that thorns have roses.”